Shame is a feeling we all encounter at some point in our lives. For some, it can even feel overwhelming on a regular basis. But what exactly is shame? Where does it come from? And is there ever a time when shame can be a healthy response?
Guilt vs. Shame
People often confuse guilt and shame, but they are quite different. Guilt is more objective – it’s about whether you did something wrong or not. It doesn’t change based on your feelings. Shame, on the other hand, is subjective. It’s a feeling that arises from how you perceive yourself after a thought, emotion, or action. While guilt says, “I did something wrong,” shame says, “I am something wrong.” Shame can make us feel isolated as if we’re the only ones struggling, and is the belief that there’s something wrong with you that isn’t wrong with anyone else.
Shame is deeply personal. Sometimes we feel it because we’ve made a mistake, but other times it can creep in for no clear reason at all. It’s that nagging feeling that something is wrong with us.
Where Does Shame Come From?
For many, feelings of shame are rooted in childhood experiences, such as bullying. October is Bullying Prevention Month. Although we might think our childhood didn’t affect us, certain events during those years can have lasting impacts. Even small moments, like being called out or made to feel embarrassed, can leave an imprint. These experiences can shape how we see ourselves, often without us realizing it. Children are especially vulnerable to these feelings because they tend to take everything personally. As children, we focus so much on our own survival that we internalize everything, even things that have nothing to do with us.
For adults, shame can sneak in through the way we talk to ourselves. Many of us have self-critical thoughts that make us feel guilty or unworthy. For instance, we often tell ourselves what we “should” be doing, which can lead to feelings of shame. This pattern of “shoulds” can cause us to shut down and push others away.
Is Shame Ever Okay?
Surprisingly, shame does have a place in our lives. Like all emotions, shame is a signal trying to tell us something. If we’ve done something truly wrong, it’s natural to feel remorse. This feeling can motivate us to make positive changes. In this case, shame is simply doing its job by alerting us that we need to correct our behavior.
However, problems arise when shame lingers long after its message has been received or when we feel shame without any real reason. In these cases, shame can become toxic and harmful.
Dealing with toxic shame can be tough, but you don’t have to face it alone. A trained mental health professional can help you work through these feelings and learn to treat yourself with more kindness. If you’re struggling with shame, consider reaching out for support. It’s a step toward healing and self-acceptance.
If you’re ready to take that step, contact Beverly Hills Therapy Group to schedule an appointment.